Seven Reasons Why I Am A Really Bad Christian Wife

1. I don’t care much for being cute.

I’m a Christian wife, mother and a writer, but believe me, I don’t look like Lisa Bevere. I have several tattoos, long, blonde dreadlocks and I wear size 14.  I found out that American clothes size numbers are smaller than Australian ones, so I’m trying to get my husband to move us to Portland, Oregon (in the US) so I can email everyone back home in Australia and tell them I have instantly become a size 10. Having dreadlocks means I save a heap on shampoo, styling product and haircuts, and I plan to spend what I save on those for the move to Portland. I hear they’re real big on things like tattoos and dreadlocks there.

2. I never make my husbands lunches.

We married on a sunny February morning, on a Saturday. I made my husbands first lunch to take to work on the Monday following our return from our honeymoon. On Friday of the same week, my husband came home from work and said he didn’t like what I was giving him for lunch. That was in 1989, and he started making his own sandwiches about 30 seconds later. So that, my friend, is how you get back fifteen minutes of your day and avoid a hell of a lot of shouting.

Image credit: whimsydream.wordpress.com

3. I hate to cook.

For some reason, Christian women are supposed to like cooking, and are supposed to cook a variety of nutritious tasty food for their families and provide same for sick members of the church community and the occasional pot luck dinner. I’ve given it a red hot try over the years, believe me, but I’m still just not into it. All that time and energy, for something that will be devoured in under a minute.  And that’s if they *like* it. Heaven forbid you should throw in something new every once in a while. Totally discouraged in the end by my family’s resistance to all experimentation mainly designed to try and keep up my own motivation, I resorted to cooking the same five things in rotation. After eating this menu for years, our older kids are now physically allergic to tuna casserole. I believe my spaghetti bolognese is probably responsible for my adult sons suspected coeliac disease.

On the upside, my husband and kids have decided that there are other ways to get interesting and tasty food. Make it themselves, or order it in. My evil plan is working.

4) I don’t go to Christian Women’s Conferences.

Large groups of just women – and Christian women particularly – make me very, very nervous. It could be just me, but it feels like there’s just way too much intuition in the room. You can never know what two, let alone two thousand, Spirit-filled women in a room might do. Literally. You also never know what they might say. They seldom stick to the script, the notes, or the program, even if the script, the notes and the program are their own creation. Women at a women’s conference love an itinerary. It makes great confetti. But there’s something else about women’s conferences. It’s not just the crowds, the noise and the unallocated seating that brings me out in a sweat. It’s the distinct lack of men. I like men, and I feel uncomfortable when I can’t find one, because I think the presence of men serves to remind women that the world and everything in it is made completely of dirt. I would prefer to stay home with my man and practice on my own marriage than sit a big room and listen to the pastors wife – or worse, the pastors wife’s husband – talk about theirs. You can read more about why I don’t go to Christian Women’s Conferences here.

5) I’m not bothered by my husbands sexual needs.

Most of the books I’ve read for Christian women on the subject of sex make the assumption that there will be problems in the marriage because he is going to want so much of it. Maybe there is something wrong, because my husbands needs have never been a problem for me. Oh yes, I’m a bad Christian wife.

6) I don’t like to entertain.

I think this is mostly because I am afraid of being judged, because I am not a very good housekeeper. You’re not even at my house, and you’re judging me now because of what I just told you, I know it. You really want to be in the house, eating the cupcakes and sipping the tea of someone with so many neurosis? Of course not. I realise this, and so I have mercifully spared us both the embarrassment. Not entertaining is good for my marriage because my husband likes me better when my neurosis are not aggravated. That will work.

7) I swear. A lot.

Clearly this makes it difficult for me to be a Really Good Christian Wife. I could be a really good bowery sea captain, however. My tattoos, I believe, help signficantly. My penchant for coarse language benefits our marriage because my husband need have no fear I will be stolen away by another man, at least not a tender-hearted one. I wouldn’t stand for being stolen away anyway. I’m also a bit of a shin-kicker.

I’m not really that bad of a Christian wife, my husband says, but he also said that these seven things are probably only funny if you don’t have to live them. That was right before I told him to shut up and eat his tuna casserole.

 

Ps: If you punch “good Christian wife” into Google images, funnily enough you get a whole lot of pictures of Christian Bale, who coincidentally looks remarkably like my husband Ben, and on whom I have a very  famous crush. How serendipitous 🙂

 

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5 Replies

  • Well, I’m a Christian. I’m also a wife and mum. But I’m not a Christian wife or Christian mum. Sounds like I’m playing with words but it’s true. That’s not to say that I haven’t TRIED to be a Christian wife and homeschool mum. But I realised that I just can’t fit into that box… so I stopped trying.

    Then I kinda tried to rebel against doing/being some of those things that Christian women do – like cooking. But then my husband and daughter were diagnosed with syndrome’s that revolved around… you guessed it: FOOD!

    So over the years, God has been showing me that by serving them nutritionally I am, in a sense, giving Jesus that cup of water. Yes, one might think that a one income family in financial need would be enough reason to do all those good, Christian wife things in the kitchen, but it wasn’t. 🙁

    So I do the things I do because of who I am and what The Master is doing in my life. I don’t do things in order to be a Christian wife/mother, etc. It sounds really obvious… but you know, it isn’t! There are way too many women trying to be a Christian wife rather than being a Christ follower who is also married.

    And #7? Can we just not talk aboiut that, please? One of my kids might be reading and they’d surely point out our few home truths. 😉

  • This makes me very, very happy. That alone proves that I’m a very bad Christian wife =0) But my husband never would have married me if I fit the stereotype. And I would want to shoot myself in the foot. So I guess we all win!

  • lol I relate to all those points….though I am natuarally cute, what can I say 😉 and I have got fonder of entertaining now that it is an extremely rare event. My family have in deed got me in slavery when it comes to meals…I won’t even elaborate as it will depress me too much but it is not done out of a sense of love for the chore unless I happen to want to eat what I’m cooking. They have at least not got me to make packed lunches. And Christian conferences of any description eeeeee. Something to do with people on platforms and the non participatory function of the body of Christ present.

  • Holy crap. I loathe cooking, curse like a sailor, don’t care about cuteness, and I don’t do lunches either. My husband is “agnostic” and cares diddly if I’m Christian or not. Though he does try to temper the amount of curse words I say. I also hate grocery shopping so he does that too 😉 (Perhaps I could be a better witness…)
    I’m pretty sure when I meet Jesus, he will take me dancing (since I love dancing and Jesus likes to party). I dont think he’ll care about the number of meals I cooked or the conferences I attended.
    You may not be typical, but praise God for that.
    You don’t wear a mask–I think a lot of those things you’ve listed are just masks for women who have no clue who they are.

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