She Won’t Let Me Wear The Pants Or Stick My Thingy In Her, And Other Pressing Problems Facing The Church Today

Okay, so as a middle-aged Christian woman, in light of the recent rash of Driscollisms doing the rounds, I feel at this point I need to stand up say something. Someone certainly needs to tell these Bible-college educated boofheads a few home truths about marriage, leadership and sex. I’ve been hearing this same inane, misogynist drivel preached from church pulpits for about three decades now, and I’m so bloody tired of it, I just can’t tell you.

I wish everything they keep telling us to do actually worked, really I do. I wish all gender issues in the church and the larger problems of the world could be cured if I as a Christian woman agreed to never write essays or read books or rise above the creche roster at church, and promised to wear a french maids outfit while I dusted and baked. But this largely sexist idea that you guys – and it is the guys for the most part – seem to have about how all Christian men and all Christian women are wired – or ought to be wired –  just doesn’t work in the real world. And believe it or not, Mr. Anti-Women-In-Leadership, your church is in the real world.retro-couple

And, about that leadership thing. Let’s get this straight. You should stop telling men they ought to want to be leaders all the time, and telling women they ought to want to not be. Not all men want to be leaders, and not all men can be leaders, good or otherwise. And not all men want to live in a system of marriage or church or community where the kind of leaders you and your ilk advocate they become are even necessary. I mean, just listen to the way you talk to people, for crying out loud. Not all men are averse to the leadership of women, and many resent the fact you’re always telling them they ought to be. As hard as it is to believe, many men actually like women as fellow human beings, and don’t think women are just for marrying, or leading around, or sticking their willies in. I put it to you that an awful lot of men – more than you probably think – don’t want to be leaders, of their wives or anyone else. And these are not broken men that need fixing.

Another thing. Despite all that weaker vessel stuff, not all women are weaker than men, physically, mentally or spiritually. Some women are naturally very strong, and many have had to learn to be, and that is not an anomaly that needs solving or correcting. Little Man, not all women who are strong want to emasculate you. I am a strong woman, however, when I come into the presence of others, I do not assume because I am strong I am the boss of everyone else, and therefore all those present must defer to my strengths because there can be only one. I am happy to work with and appreciate the strengths – and the weaknesses – of other people, and give credit and respect where due. Regardless of what the misogynist men church teachers say, neither men nor women should assume their strengths are God’s gift to others, and that others must therefore submit and make way for them. My husband and I work together. He knows what my strengths are, and he is happy to use that to his advantage. He’s a smart guy. We try to let the other one do what they are good at and naturally enjoy, and we work hard not to dominate, but to compliment each other.

I tried downplaying my strengths once to allow my husband to rise up and be more like the strong Christian man the church said he was supposed to be in every area of our marriage (because he had the penis) but that was a disaster. He didn’t want to ‘lead me’ – he married me because he liked me and thought I was attractive and interesting, not because he thought I was weak and stupid and needed him or I would die alone in the woods. We figure God knew just what he was doing when he put us together, and when we both use our powers for good and not evil, everything works just fine. When things go wrong, it won’t work to blame someone else for being weak or a usurper. We just get onto the problem and sort it out.

Let’s just call this need some Christian men have to dominate and control others exactly what it is – basic emotional insecurity. If a man is intimidated by and feels he needs to dominate another person, and this is further compounded by the fact she is a woman, he is insecure first, a bully second, and a silly misogynist third. Buddy, your problem isn’t that your wife won’t follow your leadership, its that you’re trying to create an autonomous dictatorship in what is meant to be a democracy. Ironically, I have met a lot of incredibly strong women who got that way after surviving their stupid, despotic husband who used spiritual, emotional and physical rape as a “Biblical” leadership strategy. If you try to break your wife by demanding she follow your leadership because God said she has to, she may get strong in a whole bunch of ways you didn’t count on, with Gods help…and I will promise to help her do it.

Now, the sex thing. Pay close attention, because this is very important. Regardless of what they preach in church and write in their preachy marriage books, not all women have naturally low sex drives. A lot of women have naturally high sex drives, higher than their husbands do, higher than most men do in fact. Many men have naturally low sex drives, and it’s perfectly normal, i.e.: not a problem that needs fixing. If your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you, that is YOUR problem, not hers. You’re the one with the erection – sort yourself out, for goodness sake, and leave her alone. You do realise her part of the equation bleeds for a week every month, yeah? And besides, maybe your breath stinks. Maybe you stink. Maybe she really is tired or has a headache because of all the other problems she has to take care of as a result of the other times you put your thingy in her – i.e.: your children.  Your dick is your priority, not hers.

I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that if a woman has a low desire for sex she’s called “frigid”, but there is no derogatory name for a man with a low sex drive. As if it were impossible for a man to have a low sex drive, or for a woman to be sexually frustrated. Hello. There’s no name for a man with a low sex drive, because we don’t presume that everyone with a penis will just instantly feel like sticking it into us when we snap our fingers, and – funnily enough – your puerile name calling didn’t make us horny when you did it to us. Neither did those sermons you wrote telling us we need to deal with our sexual “problems”. The fact that you wouldn’t even know a sexually frustrated woman if you fell over her – and yet a sexually frustrated man doesn’t seem capable of thinking or talking about anything else – says a lot about our genders ability to take care of our business, don’t you think?

Mr Sex-Obsessed, Misogynist, Power-hungry Pastor-man, every time you talk at people about what is normal and what is not when it comes to sex, family and relationships you effectively cause 99% of your congregation to become just a little bit more neurotic. I don’t care to read your book and find out if God gets mad when we put that into there. If you’d stop banging on about it – no pun intended – many people would not ever presume their sex life was broken and needed fixing in the first place. And this is the real problem, isn’t it? The church stopped talking a long time ago about how great and amazing and awesome people are and all the things they are capable of and can aspire to and create together, and instead started repressing everyone and bitching about them, while at the same time complaining about being repressed. I’ll come back to church when you guys start healing and uniting all people, regardless of gender and sexual orientation, celebrating their humanity and diversity, and just stop with the generalisations, the misogyny, and the micro-managing sin via behaviour modification. It’s just boring.

 

 

If you liked this, you might like –

On How The Infidelity Of The Christian Man Is The Fault Of His Wife’s Ponderous Thighs. Or Crap To That Effect.

 

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27 Replies

  • Yes and amen.
    Wish someone had told my recently ex-wife this. I was happy to be equal with her in most things, a leader in some and a follower in some. She wanted me to be the boss in EVERYTHING, because, well…that’s what she thought the husband was supposed to be.
    I think it’s hard enough to do marriage just accepting who we really are as people, never mind trying to fulfill unspoken expectations of keeping up with the Driscoll’s.
    God bless
    – John

  • Snap. This is exactly what I’ve been saying for years. Gah! I’m tired of this nonsense. Every single woman writer and or blogger I know is saying the same thing. Why are we still talking about this? Because these idtots continue to clutch onto their illusion of power with dirty, disgusting, controlling fingers.

    You are on the money.

  • Power to You, Jo…So good You are spreading the word, hopefully more people will see the light..I know a lot of My streangth comes from weak men, father , Partner and sorry to say, Sons. But I also thank them for My strength…Blessings…xoxo

  • Years ago, when the kids were little, and as a result of the ‘misogynist drivel’ I’d succumbed to thinking was ‘gospel’, I used to say to my husband that ‘we did not have a spiritual head in our house-hold’, that he was not pulling his part of the bargain in LEADING our family (yes that very easily absolved me of all responsibility for myself and my children) and I promptly bought him a book on how to be a good Spiritual Head.
    The result was that he withdrew even more, did not read the book and for obvious reasons, was very upset.
    Today, we are equal in most things, do things OUR way and talk about what works and what doesn’t. What works is that we take turns at making decisions when it’s obvious that is what needs to happen.
    And the day I realised that we didn’t have to even HAVE the same BELIEFS was probably the day that the poor man was freed from my expectations and judgement.

  • Sad that while I agree with pretty much all of your foundational beliefs, the way in which you expressed those beliefs is just as vindictive and narrow minded as the beliefs you so vehemently decry.

    Where you really miss the boat, however, is stating that a man’s erection is his problem. The beauty of a marraige relationship is in selflessly giving ourselves to our spouses, as illustrated by Jesus’ awesome self sacrifice for me (lots of scriputres that speak of the parallel between husband and wife and Jesus and the church). My wife lovingly seeks to satisfy my stronger sexual urges because she loves me and does not feel that my erection is “my problem.” Similarly, I seek to satisfy her deeper emotional needs in their various forms and I do not see her need for conversation, emotional intimacy, etc. as “her problem”.

    Does the church communicate this well? Sadly, no. In that aspect you are right. However, you come across as the opposite extreme of the pendulum of “mysoginstic church leaders” rather than the antidote that it sounds like you would like to be.

    • Thanks Chris,
      The point you bring up about who is responsible for *taking care* of the sexual arousal of the husband is an interesting one. My address of this issue might have been too glib, as many men have taken it up with me. It might warrant a post of its own. I’ll give this some thought, however I can’t promise it will be any more magnanimous than this one. If you are seeking other articles of mine with a more moderate tone, can I suggest you view some of my other pieces on Burnside Writers Collective perhaps. Regards and thanks 🙂

  • I should also say that men who refuse to seek to satisfy their wife’s stronger sexual urges when the tables are reversed are equally at fault. However, on the man’s side, the term “frigid” is typically reserved for men who ignore their wife’s emotional need as that is how most (not all!!) women are wired, yet expect their wife to spread her legs for her everytime he wants.

    Now that I think of it, perhaps a better tenor for you column would not be railing against men’s needs, but rather, pointing out that if men are going to point out their needs, they better d#$% well be ready to fully attend to their wife’s needs.

  • Totally and completely agree with EVERY word! I’ve been saying it for years. I am a strong, independent woman who has a high sex drive and spent most of my life believing that there was something wrong with me. One of the best things I’ve ever done was leave the church and start giving myself some credit. I don’t fit in there but who I am and what I have to offer elsewhere is priceless.

  • I also wanted to say that I live in the Seattle area where Mark Driscoll pastors. I know a lot of people that go to his churches and most of them are drawn in by the ‘pull no punches’ attitude he teaches with. It’s so damaging and debilitating. It’s abuse.
    This article is so true and I appreciate it more than you know.

  • As a pastor, I applaud you Jo. I agree with you completely…even if that makes me a “girlie man” in Driscoll’s estimation.

    I’m enough of a man not to care what he thinks.

  • They don’t have a word for a man who would be “frigid”–they made that man a blue pill to “fix” him!

    Seriously, everything you wrote here and a bag of chips!

    I never have to think about my own sex, because the men around me are always very eager to not only TELL me about it, but to CORRECT what I’m doing with it.

    Sheesh.

    Grey 🙂

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