The BRAVEST thing you’ve ever done.

Leaving a church family is incredibly hard. It can be one of the most life-impacting decisions you’ll ever make.

So many emotions. Guilt. Shame. Isolation. Fear of the future.

And yet, something led you here, to this new place. Something that stirs inside you even now. You’ve been told you’re simply in a “wilderness phase”, but you’re not so sure. That part of you that led you here, leads you still.

And while you are certainly afraid, you know you are headed in the right direction. This feels right somehow. This feels….true.

There…right there. That place the still small voice is coming from, the one that speaks courage and life and hope to you, that feels like a compass needle? That’s the place you’ll be living from, from now on.

It’s your gut, and it’s God-given. You have a good gut.

In fact, despite all you’ve been told, especially recently in light of what you’ve had to do, you are good.

Yes, you are.

You’re gifted, and you’re a gift. You have everything you need right now to move forward. It’s all within you now, and it’s great stuff.

And you are ok, you’re enough. You are wrapped in grace, enfolded in mercy, bathed in acceptance. You are okay. And everything is going to be okay.

There may be a time and a place when and where you’re ready to return to that path. Maybe. But in the meantime. Look up. Look around you. This may seem like a foreboding, dangerous place. But your isolation is an illusion. You are not alone, not at all. There are others ready and willing to journey with you now, and for the long haul. There are lessons for you to learn, about yourself, about God. And there are tools you can make, find, perfect and hone which can come the distance with you, for your whole life, to make sure you never find yourself spiritually abandoned or abused ever again.

This is not the end. This is the beginning.

And I’m ready to walk with you. And a new, supportive community of friends and teachers are looking for you. Waiting for you.

Courage, BRAVE one.

BRAVE is an online course designed for women who have left the mainstream Christian church and who wish to re-orientate their faith and spiritual practice to be both self-determining and spirit led.

The next BRAVE course kicks off 20th October, and applications are being taken now with limited places available.

I’d love to answer any questions you have or chat with you about BRAVE. You can click through to the BRAVE info page below or else contact me (Jo Hilder) at brave@johilder.com

Can’t wait to meet you, dear BRAVE one!

http://www.johilder.com/brave-online-course-with-jo-hilder/

Why Australian Christians Are Leaving The Church

This morning I listened to US author and pastor – and fellow Burnside Writers Collective contributing writer –  Christian Piatt interviewed by Leigh Hatcher on Open House Community Radio about Why Christians Leave The Church. 

Christian Piatt is the creator and editor of BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE and BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT JESUS. He co-created and co-edits the “WTF: Where’s the Faith?” young adult series with Chalice Press, and he has a memoir on faith, family and parenting being published April 1 2012 called PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date.

Here’s the podcast.

Christian brings up several excellent points – which I summarise below. These are taken from his blog post Seven Reasons Why Young Adults Quit Church.

We’ve been hurt. Emotionally, socially, spiritually, and even perhaps physically and sexually.

We’ve learned to think critically. Which is the opposite of what church teaches us. Sit down, be quiet, and recieve this information I’m about to give you, without question. Yet, when we become a member of a club, or go to university, or join a committee at our place of employment, we learn that change and growth happens when the exact opposite occurs – democracy, discussion, questioning and criticism.

We’re not interested in trying to break into cliques. Exactly who needs that? Then again, don’t answer that.

We’re busy. We have mortgages. We have jobs. We have families and problems and things we need to take care of. Far from being a place of answers, sometimes church is just another set of problems we don’t have the energy for.

We’ve become more skeptical. Years of navigating advertising, marketing, social media and spamming has made us much more cynical about the messages we recieve. And this is to our credit. We get ripped off less often. But we have come to believe the world is a dangerous place, and frankly, the church hasn’t given us many reasons to believe it’s any different.

We’re exhausted. Not many people have the resources many churches demand they give to programs and ministries, because we have enough on our plate already.

We don’t get it. Church over the past twenty years has become progressively less relevant. As it’s grown, it’s become more self-referential. Often, the problems it seeks to solve are the problems only people who go to church have. Church has developed it’s own set of priorities, an exclusive language and a way of doing and being that many people outside of it fail to understand, and have no wish to become a part of.

Authors and commentators like Christian and fellow writer Rachel Held Evans are kicking this topic onto the field and working hard to keep the ball in play, and a lot of Christians and pastors don’t like it. There has in the past been this general attitude that those who leave church and talk about it are committing a gross offence not just by leaving, but by refusing to lay the blame solely with themselves. Many churches defend their steady rates of attrition by saying they are only human and churches are not perfect, as if the ones who left did so because the church didn’t turn out to be full of flawless people who pandered to their every need. The fact is that people are leaving churches – or never joining in the first place – and if those churches wish to continue to exist, they will need to examine the reasons for this attrition and make changes accordingly.

Have you left a church? What were your reasons? What would need to happen – in the church, or in you – for you to return? Please leave your comments below.

*****

If you’ve been hurt by church, please check out Kathy Escobar’s online course Walking Wounded: Hope For Those Hurt By Church.

Kathy Escobar co-pastors the Refuge, an eclectic faith community in North Denver dedicated to those on the margins of life and faith (www.therefugeonline.org). She journeys with people in hard places as a spiritual director, teacher, and group facilitator. A Pepperdine University graduate, she also has a Masters degree in Management/Organizational Development and a Certificate in Evangelical Spiritual Guidance from Denver Seminary. Kathy is the author of Down We Go: Living into the Wild Ways of Jesus (Civitas Press, 2011).

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Surprising Things I’ve Learned Are True Since I Stopped Going To Church

Surprising Things I’ve Learned Are True Since I Stopped Going To Church

I’ve been thirty years a Christian, and about twenty five of those involved in church in one way or another. I know some stuff about it. And a lot more the last few years, since we stopped going to church so much. Here is what I once kind of suspected was true, and now, know for sure.

It’s impossible to have all the answers. Funny, that. And you know what? Nobody outside the church really expects you to have them all anyway. Sure, there are your argumentative types, but you’ll find most of them are other Christians.  I know we’ve been told we need to be able to give a thorough and theologically accurate answer to anyone who challenges us, but in my experience, people who don’t go to church seldom actually ask for one.  Anne Lamott once wrote, and I’ve found it to be true, how a friend of hers said that most people just want the answer to two questions – 1) Who’s in charge around here? 2) How much do you love me? When it comes to people, I think that’s all you really need to know. Most unchurched people I know respond with warmth and relief when a Christian says to them politely and sincerely, “I don’t know.”

It’s natural and okay not to get along with everyone. God is love, and a friend loves at all times and all that, but you and I both know sometimes it’s just impossible. Let’s just call a spade a spade – some people you just get along with better than others, and that’s perfectly fine. There are people in this world you will never have anything in common with, or be friends with, or even be able to be in the same room with, and that’s just the way it is. I know we’ve been taught we must be friendly and compliant and cheerful and sweet to everyone we come across, but lets face it, even Jesus was mighty pissed off at times, and sometimes with his own friends. Cut yourself some slack. Not everyone you clash with isn’t your friend, and not everyone who is nice to you is. Boy – ain’t that the truth.

God doesn’t always make things work out in the end. This is sometimes the hardest thing for believers to accept, but the reality is sometimes people pray about things and get what they want, and sometimes they pray and believe and they don’t get what they want. Sometimes people pray for healing, and the person they prayed for actually dies. And sometimes nobody prays, and nobody even believes in God in the first place, and everything works out just great. This is the way of the world. Keep on praying that things will go well, but also accept that part of them going well is you being contented with whatever outcome comes to pass. It’s the prayer and the faith in itself that is the victory, not getting what it was you prayed and believed for in the first place.

People who aren’t Christians usually know exactly what they’re doing. I know we’ve been told that all non-Christians are hard-hearted and ignorant. I know we’ve been told everyone who doesn’t share our faith is uninformed, and misinformed, and has been led astray. I know we’ve been told they are all dead in their sins and blind to the truth, and will always be naturally opposed to everything you or I as a Christian say and represent. But you should know that non-Christians are not as selfish and stupid and pig-headed as we have presumed. You should know that people who are not Christians actually do you a great service by allowing you to practice your religion freely in their midst, and sometimes even in their face in quite a patronising fashion. You should be grateful that many non-religious persons vehemently defend your right to worship your god whenever and however you want to, despite the fact there is no benefit in it for them, other than they wish to live in a society where this is possible. Christians also ought to thank God that the people we may have considered dead in their sins do not consider our Christianity a crime or an offence, and we also ought to honour the fact that un-Christian law makers have written into legislation your right to profess and practice our faith, and are happy to benefit from our input into society because of our moral right-standing.

Universities and parliaments and hospitals are filled with people who have given their lives to help and govern and educate people just like us, regardless of our opinion of them or our high-minded views about their religion, or lack of it. Our society’s education, health and freedom is facilitated by the service and leadership of these whom Christians often consider to be ignorant and immoral, and we do well to give due respect. It does not behoove Christians to hold onto the collective mindset that presumes acceptance of Christ is the peak of human intelligence and sophistication. Because we would be wrong about that. Respect and regard for other human beings however may turn out to be.

The way we do things here isn’t compulsory. Of all the the things that surprised me when I no longer was part of a church, this surprised me the most. You can really do whatever you want, judge, think or decide, and the world does not come to an end. All your friends do not have to agree, participate or confer.

Some churches love this part – the part that says this is the way we do things here – so much, they have a name for it – church culture. It’s what makes us feel we belong to something bigger than ourselves, and gives us reassurance that given the same set of circumstances, others would do what we’ve chosen to do.  But church culture can be very constraining, and even damaging. It separates us from those outside the church, but also from each other. Church culture defines not only what choices we make, but perhaps even what we wear and how we talk. It may dictate what we do, and affect our decision making. Thus, the person who chooses a divorce, or who accepts their child’s homosexuality, or even who simply takes a job with hours that restrict church participation may be subject to intense disapproval from their congregational peers. Observers then watch and learn that they should never dare to do the same. The right thing is the way we do things here, and vice versa. I have found though that the very people who like to help you choose the right thing are seldom there to help in the same way when that right thing goes to hell in a hand-basket. While we ought to seek wise counsel, we ought never, ever lose our strength in deciding for ourselves. You alone will bear the consequences of your actions.

Working for/in/with the church won’t solve all your other problems. Once, a friend of mine who was having terrible marriage problems was told now honey, just devote yourself to the life of the church, and God will sort out all your problems for you. He didn’t. In all my thirty years as a Christian, I’ve yet to see this happen. When my own marriage fell apart, one of the issues I actually had to work through was my absolute, pig-headed determination over the years to remain involved in church life and activities regardless of the things that were happening in our relationship, and to our family. I have now turned my complete attention away from being a worship leader in the church and servicing it’s needs to being a wife, and working on my own marriage as a ongoing concern. There’s Godly priorities, and there’s Godly priorities. 

If you give the church your money, the church gets your money. I can’t be any more blunt. If you give your money to the church, the church will spend it. As they see fit. They may give it to missionaries, or they may use it to pay the electricity bill on their five hundred seat auditorium. They may use it for the salaries of the pastors, or they may sink it into investments you have no way of knowing about or endorsing. They may use it to expand God’s kingdom on earth, or they may fritter it away on stupid things and even lose it forever. If you give your money to the church, you can call it tithing or offerings or whatever the heck you want, but if you give it to the church, the church gets your money. It’s not spiritual, metaphysical supernatural or existential in any way, shape or form. As long as you don’t have a problem with that, then there’s no problem with you giving your money to the church.

The church is there to help you, but only sometimes. I do not mean this unkindly. There are certain problems the church will be happy to help you with, and others they will not be so keen to get involved with. Here’s a clue – if there is any possible way the outcome will preserve God’s good reputation, they’ll probably want to help you out. If it could all go terribly wrong, and probably will, or won’t be something you will be likely to give a positive testimony about afterwards, you better find another way of solving the problem. When I had cancer, the church was falling over themselves to help me. When it turned out that my husband had become mentally ill, an alcoholic and lost his business and all our money, it was a different story. The church loves victims. Perpetrators? Not so much.

You’ll never be in the “in” crowd. If I have learned anything, I have learned this. I know it looks like there is an in-crowd at your church. I know there seems to be an inner echelon, a tight-knit circle of the elect, chosen ones that everyone on the outside looks up to. I know it seems like there is a master race of ministers at the top, and everybody wants to be them, or be with them, or be just like them. But there isn’t. I know you’ve asked them and they’ve said there isn’t, and you haven’t believed them, but take my word for it, it’s true. They are just like you, except their mortgage documents read “minister of religion.” Next time you feel like envying them, think about that.

You know how you feel insecure sometimes about your life, and have doubts about your faith? So do they. You know how you feel stupid and ugly and dirty and unloved and rejected and like nobody would ever be your friend if they knew what you were really like? Those people you look up to feel that way too. There is no dream team, no inner circle, no in-club of ones who have made it in ministry life. They sure don’t think they are any better than you, in fact, they know full well they are exactly  like you in every way that matters.

Those people in church you look up to might seem more confident, more capable and more anointed, but they aren’t, in reality, or in their minds. Don’t resume their arrogance just because they have “made it” into ministry. Trust me. Those people you idolise feel just as intimidated and insecure as you do, and they know they are nothing special. They know all they have going for them is God’s grace, so don’t you go thinking they have anything else, over and above what you have, okay? Pastors and leaders know full well they are called not just to lead, but to serve, and for the most part, they take it very seriously, and with humility. Being a pastor is one of the hardest jobs I can imagine.

Church isn’t meant to replace your brain or your personality, but many people still act like it is. We are the church, and it should reflect everything that we are – mind, soul, personality, character. We are flawed – the church will be too. We are less than – the church will be too. We are trying to be better – the church will be too. We are redeemed by grace – and the church is this too. The church does not replace our intelligence, our diversity, our judgement or or our humanity – it is the expression of these. Hold on to everything you are – the church needs it all, the world needs it all. God needs it all. After all, He made you in His image. For God’s sake – don’t let anyone unmake you in theirs.