(NOTE – mild trigger warning.)
I bet you could pin that moment down; the day, the hour, the minute, the second. The expression on their face, the tone of their voice. What it was they wanted you to stop doing. What they wanted you to do. How it made you feel to do it.
You remember the point in time when you first betrayed that good gut of yours, don’t you?
It’s taken years and years of work to acknowledge all the places in you that don’t make sense. The dissonance. The disassociation. The distress and the depression. The way your feelings seem to be living their own life independent of you. You see now, don’t you? You got messed up back there. That person who might’ve known better, might’ve behaved better, that one who told you to stay when you wanted to run, to be ashamed when you wanted to sing or paint or fly, who told you you didn’t know what you were talking about, that God doesn’t exist, that you must keep this big, awful secret.
They taught you in that moment, and in all the ones that came after it, to distrust yourself,
To dislike yourself,
To oppress and repress yourself.
To deny your truth.
To hold yourself down,
To change your story.
And you did it.
There’s this scene in The Green Mile, where John Coffee is trying to explain his innocence by describing how it was the crimes he was convicted of were actually able to be committed.
“He killed them with their love.” Coffee says. The innocent complied, was silenced, because she loved.
And you, darling, your intuition, your gut, your instinct and your inner voice? It’s silence was purchased with your love. Things were promised you if you complied. And in this way, little pieces of you became small, and went still. Very still. For a long time.
But not gone.
Let the Breather of Life blow fresh breeze into you, sweetheart. The winter is gone. The buds are on the trees. The dew is on the ground. Life is everywhere. Life is in you.
Yes, it’s in you.
Rise up back to yourself, sweetheart. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to let the sunshine into those dark places, to soothe you and revive you. Time to come and walk with your sisters amongst the living. That’s right – you are not alone. And your good gut? Your intuition? Your sweet, lithe spirit?
She is still alive.
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