Surprising Things I’ve Learned Are True Since I Stopped Going To Church

I’ve been thirty years a Christian, and about twenty five of those involved in church in one way or another. I know some stuff about it. And a lot more the last few years, since we stopped going to church so much. Here is what I once kind of suspected was true, and now, know for sure.

It’s impossible to have all the answers. Funny, that. And you know what? Nobody outside the church really expects you to have them all anyway. Sure, there are your argumentative types, but you’ll find most of them are other Christians.  I know we’ve been told we need to be able to give a thorough and theologically accurate answer to anyone who challenges us, but in my experience, people who don’t go to church seldom actually ask for one.  Anne Lamott once wrote, and I’ve found it to be true, how a friend of hers said that most people just want the answer to two questions – 1) Who’s in charge around here? 2) How much do you love me? When it comes to people, I think that’s all you really need to know. Most unchurched people I know respond with warmth and relief when a Christian says to them politely and sincerely, “I don’t know.”

It’s natural and okay not to get along with everyone. God is love, and a friend loves at all times and all that, but you and I both know sometimes it’s just impossible. Let’s just call a spade a spade – some people you just get along with better than others, and that’s perfectly fine. There are people in this world you will never have anything in common with, or be friends with, or even be able to be in the same room with, and that’s just the way it is. I know we’ve been taught we must be friendly and compliant and cheerful and sweet to everyone we come across, but lets face it, even Jesus was mighty pissed off at times, and sometimes with his own friends. Cut yourself some slack. Not everyone you clash with isn’t your friend, and not everyone who is nice to you is. Boy – ain’t that the truth.

God doesn’t always make things work out in the end. This is sometimes the hardest thing for believers to accept, but the reality is sometimes people pray about things and get what they want, and sometimes they pray and believe and they don’t get what they want. Sometimes people pray for healing, and the person they prayed for actually dies. And sometimes nobody prays, and nobody even believes in God in the first place, and everything works out just great. This is the way of the world. Keep on praying that things will go well, but also accept that part of them going well is you being contented with whatever outcome comes to pass. It’s the prayer and the faith in itself that is the victory, not getting what it was you prayed and believed for in the first place.

People who aren’t Christians usually know exactly what they’re doing. I know we’ve been told that all non-Christians are hard-hearted and ignorant. I know we’ve been told everyone who doesn’t share our faith is uninformed, and misinformed, and has been led astray. I know we’ve been told they are all dead in their sins and blind to the truth, and will always be naturally opposed to everything you or I as a Christian say and represent. But you should know that non-Christians are not as selfish and stupid and pig-headed as we have presumed. You should know that people who are not Christians actually do you a great service by allowing you to practice your religion freely in their midst, and sometimes even in their face in quite a patronising fashion. You should be grateful that many non-religious persons vehemently defend your right to worship your god whenever and however you want to, despite the fact there is no benefit in it for them, other than they wish to live in a society where this is possible. Christians also ought to thank God that the people we may have considered dead in their sins do not consider our Christianity a crime or an offence, and we also ought to honour the fact that un-Christian law makers have written into legislation your right to profess and practice our faith, and are happy to benefit from our input into society because of our moral right-standing.

Universities and parliaments and hospitals are filled with people who have given their lives to help and govern and educate people just like us, regardless of our opinion of them or our high-minded views about their religion, or lack of it. Our society’s education, health and freedom is facilitated by the service and leadership of these whom Christians often consider to be ignorant and immoral, and we do well to give due respect. It does not behoove Christians to hold onto the collective mindset that presumes acceptance of Christ is the peak of human intelligence and sophistication. Because we would be wrong about that. Respect and regard for other human beings however may turn out to be.

The way we do things here isn’t compulsory. Of all the the things that surprised me when I no longer was part of a church, this surprised me the most. You can really do whatever you want, judge, think or decide, and the world does not come to an end. All your friends do not have to agree, participate or confer.

Some churches love this part – the part that says this is the way we do things here – so much, they have a name for it – church culture. It’s what makes us feel we belong to something bigger than ourselves, and gives us reassurance that given the same set of circumstances, others would do what we’ve chosen to do.  But church culture can be very constraining, and even damaging. It separates us from those outside the church, but also from each other. Church culture defines not only what choices we make, but perhaps even what we wear and how we talk. It may dictate what we do, and affect our decision making. Thus, the person who chooses a divorce, or who accepts their child’s homosexuality, or even who simply takes a job with hours that restrict church participation may be subject to intense disapproval from their congregational peers. Observers then watch and learn that they should never dare to do the same. The right thing is the way we do things here, and vice versa. I have found though that the very people who like to help you choose the right thing are seldom there to help in the same way when that right thing goes to hell in a hand-basket. While we ought to seek wise counsel, we ought never, ever lose our strength in deciding for ourselves. You alone will bear the consequences of your actions.

Working for/in/with the church won’t solve all your other problems. Once, a friend of mine who was having terrible marriage problems was told now honey, just devote yourself to the life of the church, and God will sort out all your problems for you. He didn’t. In all my thirty years as a Christian, I’ve yet to see this happen. When my own marriage fell apart, one of the issues I actually had to work through was my absolute, pig-headed determination over the years to remain involved in church life and activities regardless of the things that were happening in our relationship, and to our family. I have now turned my complete attention away from being a worship leader in the church and servicing it’s needs to being a wife, and working on my own marriage as a ongoing concern. There’s Godly priorities, and there’s Godly priorities. 

If you give the church your money, the church gets your money. I can’t be any more blunt. If you give your money to the church, the church will spend it. As they see fit. They may give it to missionaries, or they may use it to pay the electricity bill on their five hundred seat auditorium. They may use it for the salaries of the pastors, or they may sink it into investments you have no way of knowing about or endorsing. They may use it to expand God’s kingdom on earth, or they may fritter it away on stupid things and even lose it forever. If you give your money to the church, you can call it tithing or offerings or whatever the heck you want, but if you give it to the church, the church gets your money. It’s not spiritual, metaphysical supernatural or existential in any way, shape or form. As long as you don’t have a problem with that, then there’s no problem with you giving your money to the church.

The church is there to help you, but only sometimes. I do not mean this unkindly. There are certain problems the church will be happy to help you with, and others they will not be so keen to get involved with. Here’s a clue – if there is any possible way the outcome will preserve God’s good reputation, they’ll probably want to help you out. If it could all go terribly wrong, and probably will, or won’t be something you will be likely to give a positive testimony about afterwards, you better find another way of solving the problem. When I had cancer, the church was falling over themselves to help me. When it turned out that my husband had become mentally ill, an alcoholic and lost his business and all our money, it was a different story. The church loves victims. Perpetrators? Not so much.

You’ll never be in the “in” crowd. If I have learned anything, I have learned this. I know it looks like there is an in-crowd at your church. I know there seems to be an inner echelon, a tight-knit circle of the elect, chosen ones that everyone on the outside looks up to. I know it seems like there is a master race of ministers at the top, and everybody wants to be them, or be with them, or be just like them. But there isn’t. I know you’ve asked them and they’ve said there isn’t, and you haven’t believed them, but take my word for it, it’s true. They are just like you, except their mortgage documents read “minister of religion.” Next time you feel like envying them, think about that.

You know how you feel insecure sometimes about your life, and have doubts about your faith? So do they. You know how you feel stupid and ugly and dirty and unloved and rejected and like nobody would ever be your friend if they knew what you were really like? Those people you look up to feel that way too. There is no dream team, no inner circle, no in-club of ones who have made it in ministry life. They sure don’t think they are any better than you, in fact, they know full well they are exactly  like you in every way that matters.

Those people in church you look up to might seem more confident, more capable and more anointed, but they aren’t, in reality, or in their minds. Don’t resume their arrogance just because they have “made it” into ministry. Trust me. Those people you idolise feel just as intimidated and insecure as you do, and they know they are nothing special. They know all they have going for them is God’s grace, so don’t you go thinking they have anything else, over and above what you have, okay? Pastors and leaders know full well they are called not just to lead, but to serve, and for the most part, they take it very seriously, and with humility. Being a pastor is one of the hardest jobs I can imagine.

Church isn’t meant to replace your brain or your personality, but many people still act like it is. We are the church, and it should reflect everything that we are – mind, soul, personality, character. We are flawed – the church will be too. We are less than – the church will be too. We are trying to be better – the church will be too. We are redeemed by grace – and the church is this too. The church does not replace our intelligence, our diversity, our judgement or or our humanity – it is the expression of these. Hold on to everything you are – the church needs it all, the world needs it all. God needs it all. After all, He made you in His image. For God’s sake – don’t let anyone unmake you in theirs.



8 thoughts on “Surprising Things I’ve Learned Are True Since I Stopped Going To Church

  1. Thanks for the rainy day read,Jo. Great writing, and I agree and It pissed Me off..I am not at all a christian, I have a picture of Jesus next to a picture of a Buddist Monk, in My Home and I talk with God every day..I can only sigh when I am judged by christians and feel sad for them. I have often said some people need to go to church to learn compassion, paitence, honesty and acceptance, ect. some people are pretty slow learners. What pisses Me off mostly is Hypochristians who tell Me how it should be and why I will surely go to hell…Silly buggers, I dare any one of them to do a quarter of the works I do, and then tell Me where God is sending Me…Blessings to You..xo

  2. wow! Just what I needed to read Jo.
    Spent the morning feeling guilty that I didn’t go to Church as I needed the time out. This was so “freeing”. And I needed to know some one else also feels unloved, useless and unwanted at times too.
    Love really is the only thing that matters.

  3. Fascinating read Jo. Thanks for writing it – definitely some thought-provoking stuff here. I do go to church, and am quite committed to our church. Some of what you have said I really agree with and can see in my context. Some of it I disagree with but that is ok. Good to have my thinking challenged.

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