You’re haunted at times by that bad thing that happened to you, my love, you and I both know it. You suspect the bad thing happened because bad things only happen to people who deserve them. You’ve believed it was your fault – literally. You’ve believed if you were somehow able to be enough, if you were not too much and not too much trouble, if you were more beautiful, more obedient, more brave, their real daughter or son, smarter, stronger, quieter, not so much of a show off, not the way you are, the bad thing wouldn’t have happened. You’d be okay now, and you’re not, but that’s what you get.
Oh, honey, no. That’s not okay. You didn’t get something bad because you deserved it. There can be so many reasons why bad things happen to us, but your deserving it is not one of them.
The something bad that happened to you didn’t happen because you are bad. If you head down that road, you’ll never get to the end of it. Nobody will ever find a way into your heart, not a friend, not a lover, not even God. Because you’ll never feel like you deserve their love, no matter what they do.
You only accept the love you think you deserve.
Why do you think so many people believe their God is angry at their sin? Why are so many people walking around angry, defiant, or broken so deeply they can no longer function?
They are deflecting love they don’t think they deserve.
The thing is, love, and all it’s fruits, are there for you. Not “out there”, beyond being “all fixed up” or “forgiven for your part”, or “when you’ve paid your dues.”
Love is there. There, as in right here. Because God is love and is right here.
“Deserve” isn’t part of the economy of God’s love. You’re in Jubilee when it comes to the love you “deserve”. All debts erased. All defaults forgotten. All obligations met, all bonds redeemed. Walk away, beloved one, under grace, you owe nothing. Not to anyone. Only love.
Love is for you, and all that comes with it.